I have to be honest, this week brought some challenges. I’ll spare you the extensive details, but let’s just say that nannying kids isn’t always easy (I’m talking public meltdowns, diaper explosions, and a face full of dirt hurled by a petulant toddler). And of course, waiting for a delayed K-1 Visa approval gets old pretty quickly.
Patience is a difficult thing. More difficult for some than for others (cue the ‘I feel personally attacked’ reactions). But patience is an important skill to nurture and develop in life. Many things require our patience. We need patience when we interact with others (goodness knows that we aren’t going to hit it off with every new person we meet). We need patience with ourselves when we are learning (and if we do things right, we always will be). We need patience when we are teaching, (because we were once, not so long ago, learning that same skill).
I think we all have those memories of our former selves that make us cringe, and we can be impatient with the memory of a younger, perhaps less aware version of ourselves. We ask ourselves things like: How could I ever act that way? How could I have that worldview? How could I be so blind to my shortcomings? But there is a beauty and meaning in the long period of development that brought us to the present moment, and while it can be easy to feel impatience at our own shortcomings, or the shortcomings of others, patience is key. (Disclaimer: don’t get me wrong, there are most definitely things that should not be tolerated. Sometimes you’re low on patience because the circumstance is toxic (examples include racism, sexism, homophobia, etc), in which case, speak out and stand tall).
…there is a beauty and meaning in the long period of development that brought us to the present moment, and while it can be easy to feel impatience at our own shortcomings, or the shortcomings of others, patience is key.
I’ll be the first to say that acting with patience is hard. We all know people who never seem to get angry. They always seem calm and kind as they ease their way through life. And while it is true that some are less easily frustrated than others (though you never know what goes on behind closed doors—social media can paint some very convincing false realities), this does not mean that you are simply unable to attain that trait of patience that you admire in others. It all depends on your mindset.
Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset
In my high school psychology class, I remember being first introduced to the concept of fixed mindsets and growth mindsets. Little did I know it would be a life altering piece of class material that I still think about often. It came up again in my Introduction to Education course in college, and has been in the back of my mind since.
When a person entertains a fixed mindset, they believe that their basic abilities, intelligence, and talents are fixed traits. Fixed learners believe that they have a certain unalterable amount of skill in each area. As a result, they become fixated on the goal of always looking smart and never looking dumb.
By contrast, individuals who entertain a growth mindset believe that their abilities, intelligence, and talents can be developed through effort and persistence. This mindset means that they are less afraid of messing up because their skills will improve with time and perseverance. As Paul Tough writes in his book How Children Succeed, “…failure—or at least the real risk of failure—could often be a crucial stop on the road to success.”
To become more patient as people, we must entertain a growth mindset. Our reserves of patience do not have an unalterable limit: there are ways to increase our levels of patience. The growth mindset also means that we can be more forgiving of our past mistakes. Instead of seeing moments in which we lost our temper as a unspeakable failure, we can process rather than suppress them, and come to view them as a learning experiences as we move forward.
Instead of seeing moments in which we lost our temper as a unspeakable failure, we can process rather than suppress them, and come to view them as a learning experiences as we move forward.
So, what’s the magic formula?
Unfortunately, there’s no magic switch you can flip to all of a sudden become a modern day Mother Teresa (I checked). Patience is something everyone must nurture through whatever methods work for them. It takes effort, practice, and reflection. But here are some suggestions (some that are easy adjustments to make, others that might require a paradigm shift) that will make for a great start.
Make Sure You’re Nurturing Your Basic Needs
Yes, I’m talking about getting enough sleep, exercising, drinking plenty of water, eating foods that make you and your body happy, etc. This seems so obvious, but it has a HUGE effect on our patience. At the risk of sounding redundant, a scientific study from Iowa State University in 2018 ws actually one of the first to draw a clear link between sleep deprivation and anger. And we all know the famous Snickers slogan: “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” These basic forms of self care are essential.
Be Reflective
Think about the situations that make you feel impatient, and process why it is that those situations make you feel frustrated. After doing this, take some deep breaths and reframe the situation so that you are viewing it from a different perspective. Often we tend to center the situation around how it is personally hurting us, but rarely has the source of your impatience targeted you specifically.
Your coworker isn’t missing his deadlines because he wants to frustrate you, he just has a lot on his plate. The traffic didn’t turn red just because you’re in a rush to get to work. Your child isn’t purposefully trying to act out to make your day harder; she’s just a child. When we slow down to examine the situation calmly, we can approach these situations with a fresh understanding.
Don’t Give In To Instant Gratification
In a world where we have everything at the tips of our fingertips, it’s no wonder that we expect our wishes to be fulfilled instantly. But this instant fulfillment isn’t actually fulfillment at all. We have found ourselves in the middle of the Happy Valley from Samuel Johnson’s The History of Rasselas: Prince of Abyssinia, and we’re now starting to realize that having every desire immediately gratified isn’t the answer to all our problems. We need the sense of achievement that comes from putting in the effort. There is value in waiting, and it is a great way to practice patience.
Be a Lifelong Learner
This one is a bit less easy to check off your daily to-do list. To nurture the “growth mindset,” keep throwing yourself into new subject areas. Even (and perhaps especially) into ones that fall outside of your comfort zone. There are a number of reasons why this is important.
1. There is always more to learn and there will always be ways to improve.
2. There is a lightness that comes with being a beginner in a subject rather than the heavy pressure of a successful reputation in your area of expertise.
3. It humbles you and will make you more empathetic towards yourself and others.
Patience isn’t something that we will magically develop overnight. It takes effort, practice, and time. But as long as we have a genuine desire to become more patient, we can develop and nurture that trait within us.
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